My dentist told me I need a crown. I'm like, I know right?  10/25/2016 20:46

I used to be addicted to soap, but now I'm clean.  By JooJ - 10/25/2016 20:45

My favorite part of cooking is when the delivery guy shows up.  10/25/2016 20:43

If you sneeze near an atheist, they just say 'Science appreciates you'.  10/25/2016 20:43

Whenever I delete an App on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they're all panicked over who's getting deleted.  By JooJ - 10/25/2016 20:35

The original creator of the phrase 'Common Sense' surely didn't know many people.  By JooJ - 10/25/2016 20:31

Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by 3. Now change it to 10. That's how many seconds you just wasted.  10/25/2016 20:28

I'm going to the gym now. Not bragging, just want you to know where to send the ambulance.  10/25/2016 20:28

I don't care if it's 3 am, I don't consider it 'Tomorrow' until I wake up.  10/25/2016 20:22

Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she's doing.  10/25/2016 19:59